I want love, love, love, love, perfect love

I must be channeling Dianna, using a song lyric as my title again. Oh well, the Supertones rock and it fits what I have to say.

And yes, this does also go along with the verse from Job I posted yesterday. You see, I don't share things very often. Sometimes it feels like I've only been allowed a certain number of words to use in a day, and they shouldn't be wasted. This, of course is foolish, but follow the analogy anyway. I ration them so severly that after time I have so many unused words and so many unshared thoughts that I have to let them out or go mad. So why don't I just talk to people more often? Well, that's when my personality gets in the way. I don't want to brag about all the good things that happen in my life, and I certainly don't want to admit my failings. I tell myself I like being alone, but I really need people and I'm afraid of losing those around me. Of course, all that really comes of silence is disconnectedness, so I'm only hurting myself by hiding.

So today we start by sharing the wonderful thing that God has been doing in my life in the past several months. For the clearest picture, the story should start back at TCX. Crawford Loritts spoke on Revelation 2, specifically the church at Ephesus. This church was actually doing quite well and the people there were praised for their hard work and perseverence. But then, only one verse later, the church is condemned. "Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love." They had become so wrapped up in the things they were doing, that they forgot why they were doing them in the first place. Following rules of right behavior had replaced Jesus in their hearts, and they needed to repent and begin again. That really struck a chord with me, and I couldn't get the thought out of my mind. Had I forsaken my first love? Had I allowed myself to become so busy that my Savior was no longer the center of my life?

I had gone to TCX full of questions. The end of the fall semester had left me reeling, and one thing was abundantly clear: I had built too much of my self-identity on my academic record. With that pillar knocked out from under me, I didn't know what to do with myself, I wasn't sure who I even was anymore. I was vulnerable enough for God to finally get through to me.

What was so amazing to me was that even though I had fallen into a pattern of following my own wisdom instead of God's will, and even though I was having to deal with the consequences of some of my mistakes, God was still in love with me. He was still drawing me back to him, still wooing me back into his loving arms. And he keeps showing me this. It's almost funny how many "coincidences" I've encountered lately. Let me share a few, just to show you how abundantly cool and tenacious our wonderful God is.

Traveling through Europe with the choir this January, one of my most favorite pieces we did was "The Rose of Sharon", which is taken directly from the Song of Solomon. And on the day we visited Cambridge University, we attended the Clare College evensong. Even though it was unity Sunday, the pastor decided to change things up and speak to us about the love of God, using his love for his wife as an illustration. It was one of the best sermons I've heard in a long time.

Once spring semester started, things got busy again. I finally went to the River, for the first time since last year, and what do you think the topic was? Of course, love. They showed a Nooma video I'd already seen, but what the speaker said afterward made the idea stick.

Even the Rebecca St James concert was part of all this. I'm not generally one for impulse buys, but I picked up a bracelet from her merch table on a whim and have been wearing it ever since. It's green and says "I am loved" on it. It's been a daily reminder that God really does love me, even on days when I think he probably shouldn't. And at this concert I met Jadon Lavik. I knew some of his music before, but I didn't know it was his (that's what happens when I hear things on the radio). His song "What If" has really stuck with me since that night. "You say I belong to you apart from the things I do." God loves me (and you--don't think I'm being selfish, it's just easier to make my point this way) simply because I am his. Nothing I do could ever make me love him more, and nothing could ever make him love me less. That's a thought to keep.

Then, two weeks ago it all came to a head. A group of USF-ers were leading worship at First B, and I could just feel God speaking to me. Every single song was specifically about God's love. Pastor Lee's sermon was all about how perfected love is God's gift to us (and this was simply the next part in a series he's been doing working through I John), perfected love casts out fear, and perfected love build's community (these are his own subject headings from the back of the bulletin). This was the day other things started clicking. As we worshipped, I could feel love just filling me up inside. There was no way to keep it in, and I realized that I wasn't supposed to. This love was for sharing. But who was it to be shared with? Certainly not just one person (don't even get me started on the topic of dating--there's no way I have time in my life to even think about it right now). No, this love was for everyone. I felt love and appreciation for the worship team, Pastor Lee, the whole congregation.

And if it were to stop there, it would all have been for naught. Warm fuzzy feelings are all well and good, but they don't accomplish anything. Yes, we all need constant reminders of God's love for us (I know I still do), but that's just the thing we *all* need to be reminded. and we can each be the vessel/instrument of God's love to people in our world. I know this happens daily in even the briefest of encounters. Sometimes all it takes is a smile and a greeting to raise someone's spirits. My favorite ministry at the moment is sharing God's love with the kids and the Banquet by reading with them (see Thursday's post).

The more I experience God's love in my own life, the more I want to be able to share that with others. Even more, I want to show my gratitude by giving that love back to God as well. I think he's been showing me ways to do this too, but that's a topic for another post. I can only handle so much profundity in one night. Besides, just this much took two weeks to write.

Resting securely in the warmth of God's love,
-Kim