"Tell yourself how lucky you are"

In an effort to try and figure out where I actually am right now, and to give all of you a better understanding, today I'm going to post excetps of an actually journal entry I wrote last night. It's not going to flow very well, as it was very late when I wrote it and portions have been omitted.

4/21/06
Okay, there's no way I'm crazy enough to become a music major, but I'm sensing a serious shift in my heart. It seems that what I truly love--above all else on this earth--is performing creatively, especially on my violin. Tonight's show was absolutely wonderful, and I didn't want it to end. I was exhausted, but the high I was on could have carried me through the whole thing all over again. Even though there were still pitch problems and some dropped measures, the music tonight was REAL. I could feel it. It was like Thursday morning--my heart was really in it. Tonight I was playing for my daddy out in the audience. Tonight I was playing for my other Daddy who's always with me and gave me this talent in the first place. I want to keep doing this. I *need* to keep doing something like this. God, where can I make music to please you? I think I finally feel a real passion in my soul.
***
Having someone to play for makes it easier to play. I have more confidence in myself and I play out strong, and am rewarded with a much better sound and a rather astounded conductor. I am a violinist to the core--I know that now. But tell me: how am I supposed to use this? Where can you use a violin, Lord?
(end quote)

So that's sort of where I'm at right now. It's not just the musical that's making me think about this right now--though it's deffinitely the catalyst. My wonderings also come from my discussion with Kirby and a wonderful book I am currently reading, The Heart of the Artist. Everything in that book seems to be something I really need to hear. I read another chapter today, and it's helping to push this line of thought along.

In any case, I need to get ready for tonight's show.

-Kim